英検準一級ライティング満点目指しています。ライティング満点に近い点数取った方、私の文章のご指摘をしていただきたいです。Should more young people start a second job? POINTS :Salaries / Skills / Company profits / Aging society*Write an essay on the given TOPIC.*Use TWO of the POINTS below to support your answer.*Structure: introduction, main body, conclusion*Suggested length: 120-150 wordsIn recent years, more young people come to start second job. From the point of view of salaries and skills, I agree with the idea.To begin with, from the perspective of salaries, there are many people who don't receive enough salaries. Recently, rising prices problems become serious, which means young people in particular suffer from daily shopping. That should never happen.Additionally, second job expects people's skill up. If young people can start second job, they may find their new potentials, leading to expansion of their career. Therefore, second job is essential for these people.For reasons mentioned above, even if some people say young people don't have to do so, I keep asserting they should do.

冒頭文
more young people come to start second job
→ ❌ 不自然
→ ✅ more young people are starting a second job
または
→ ✅ more young people are starting second jobs
理由：
come to start はこの文脈では不自然
second job は通常 a second job または複数形
2. salaries の使い方
don't receive enough salaries
→ ❌ 不自然
→ ✅ don't earn enough money / don't receive enough salary
理由：
salary は不可算扱いが自然（複数形はあまり使わない）
3. rising prices problems become serious
→ ❌ 文法ミス
→ ✅ the problem of rising prices has become serious
または
→ ✅ rising prices have become a serious problem
4. suffer from daily shopping
→ ❌ 意味が不自然
→ ✅ struggle with daily expenses
→ ✅ struggle to afford daily necessities
理由：
「買い物に苦しむ」ではなく「生活費に苦しむ」が自然
5. second job expects people's skill up
→ ❌ 文法ミス
→ ✅ a second job helps people improve their skills
→ ✅ a second job requires people to improve their skills
6. find their new potentials
→ ❌ やや不自然
→ ✅ discover their potential
→ ✅ discover new potential（単数が自然）
7. expansion of their career
→ △ やや不自然
→ ✅ career development
→ ✅ career growth
8. second job is essential
→ ❌ 冠詞が必要
→ ✅ a second job is essential
9. keep asserting they should do
→ ❌ 文が不完全
→ ✅ I keep asserting that they should do so


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